Within The Chrysalis

It's been months since my last blog entry, and for that I apologize. I reached a point where no progress was being made; I actually gained some weight back. As you can imagine, I felt demoralized, and saw myself as a failure.

A couple of years ago, when I moved to my current home, I did endless trips with boxes, some of which were quite heavy, and had no help in doing so. As a result, I irritated my shoulder, and it has pained me to some degree since then.

Working out in the gym ended up aggravating my shoulder even more. My shoulder had sharp pain, and the joint itself felt fiery at times. At my partner's prodding, I went to see an orthopedic surgeon. After x-rays and an MRI, it was determined that while I don't have a rotator cuff tear (per se), I do have some fraying of the rotator cuff, as well as calcium deposits within the joint.

Surgery isn't indicated, thank goodness. The doctor ~has~ offered to give me a cortisone injection in my shoulder, but I'm holding off on that option. First, I'm horribly afraid of needles. Having the contrast dye injected at the MRI was bad enough. Second, I don't like what steroids do to one's body overall. They trash one's immune system, and they can cause other problems as well.

My choice, at least for now, is to rest the shoulder and self-treat it with Reiki. I also got some samples of a topical anti-inflammatory gel, which seems to help tremendously. As someone who has suffered two catastrophic ulcers (with arterial bleeds) in the same location in my stomach, I am supposed to avoid NSAIDs at all costs. But since the gel is applied topically, as opposed to going the oral route, I'm willing to take the risk.

While I'm not currently at the gym, I am still undergoing a process of transformation, one that is more than skin-deep. In the aftermath of my mother's death, I am finally freed to fully speak my truth about what I survived as a child. How I came to be "many" instead of one is a tale that is healing to write about - I'm learning about myself as I go. And I do believe there may be some value to my story when it's finished. Anyone know a friendly publishing agent? ;)

I've finally found the narrative arc that works for telling my story. The research I've done indicates memoirs or autobiographies should be approximately 100,000 words in length. At present, my manuscript weighs in at 71,000 or so. There have been days when I've written over 6,000 words. Other days, it's more like 3,000 or sometimes less.

I'm keenly focused on the writing, and that focus has led to me eating quite a bit less. I actually forget to get up from my computer chair, even to use the bathroom or drink water, until physical discomfort prompts me to take action. Eating is an afterthought most of the time - I'm eating a meal once a day, pretty much, with a piece of string-cheese here and there to level out my blood sugar. (I tend toward hypoglycemia.)

So, while I work on healing physically so I can head back to the gym, I am also busy working on emotional and spiritual healing, which are just as important in my process. I remain within my metaphoric chrysalis, and trust that the moment will come when I slowly begin to emerge, transformed.