Within The Chrysalis

It's been months since my last blog entry, and for that I apologize. I reached a point where no progress was being made; I actually gained some weight back. As you can imagine, I felt demoralized, and saw myself as a failure.

A couple of years ago, when I moved to my current home, I did endless trips with boxes, some of which were quite heavy, and had no help in doing so. As a result, I irritated my shoulder, and it has pained me to some degree since then.

Working out in the gym ended up aggravating my shoulder even more. My shoulder had sharp pain, and the joint itself felt fiery at times. At my partner's prodding, I went to see an orthopedic surgeon. After x-rays and an MRI, it was determined that while I don't have a rotator cuff tear (per se), I do have some fraying of the rotator cuff, as well as calcium deposits within the joint.

Surgery isn't indicated, thank goodness. The doctor ~has~ offered to give me a cortisone injection in my shoulder, but I'm holding off on that option. First, I'm horribly afraid of needles. Having the contrast dye injected at the MRI was bad enough. Second, I don't like what steroids do to one's body overall. They trash one's immune system, and they can cause other problems as well.

My choice, at least for now, is to rest the shoulder and self-treat it with Reiki. I also got some samples of a topical anti-inflammatory gel, which seems to help tremendously. As someone who has suffered two catastrophic ulcers (with arterial bleeds) in the same location in my stomach, I am supposed to avoid NSAIDs at all costs. But since the gel is applied topically, as opposed to going the oral route, I'm willing to take the risk.

While I'm not currently at the gym, I am still undergoing a process of transformation, one that is more than skin-deep. In the aftermath of my mother's death, I am finally freed to fully speak my truth about what I survived as a child. How I came to be "many" instead of one is a tale that is healing to write about - I'm learning about myself as I go. And I do believe there may be some value to my story when it's finished. Anyone know a friendly publishing agent? ;)

I've finally found the narrative arc that works for telling my story. The research I've done indicates memoirs or autobiographies should be approximately 100,000 words in length. At present, my manuscript weighs in at 71,000 or so. There have been days when I've written over 6,000 words. Other days, it's more like 3,000 or sometimes less.

I'm keenly focused on the writing, and that focus has led to me eating quite a bit less. I actually forget to get up from my computer chair, even to use the bathroom or drink water, until physical discomfort prompts me to take action. Eating is an afterthought most of the time - I'm eating a meal once a day, pretty much, with a piece of string-cheese here and there to level out my blood sugar. (I tend toward hypoglycemia.)

So, while I work on healing physically so I can head back to the gym, I am also busy working on emotional and spiritual healing, which are just as important in my process. I remain within my metaphoric chrysalis, and trust that the moment will come when I slowly begin to emerge, transformed.

Big Changes Come From Small Choices

I'm learning to celebrate small victories, because they add up to major changes. This week, I made it to the gym four out of five weekdays. Actually, on Tuesday evening I showed up when I ~thought~ the gym would be relatively empty, but there were over a dozen people in there, and virtually every machine was in use. I said "Screw it," and turned around to go back home.

Still, four out of five days isn't shabby. The weekends will be a wild card as far as the gym goes, since it will usually be crowded with people who work a M-F 9-5 schedule. I don't need the gym empty, but prefer not to have it crowded with people.

At present, I'm doing 40 minutes on the eliptical. Next week, I'm going to cut that back to 30 minutes, but also add in a full weight-training circuit. Start with one set of reps, and then in a few weeks, add a second set of reps. Eventually, I'll get back to 30 minutes on the eliptical, 1 hour weight training, and then a finish with 30 additional minutes on the eliptical.

I did this same workout previously, so I know what it feels like. A stop before the second eliptical session, to grab a Clif Bar, is usually what it takes to get me over the hump. (And, as always, good hydration is extremely important. Flushing the lactic acid out of the muscle fibers helps prevent soreness afterward.)

Still, getting to the long workout has to be done in steps. Moving too quickly from one level to another is how injuries happen. Or, at minimum, soreness results, and the sense of motivation wanes. So, I'm taking the long view, and tracking my progress over time. I would imagine that I'll be at that two-hour block by Fall or so, depending on how things go.

I need to get the battery replaced in my Cardio watch. It has a "calorie burn" feature that is a great motivator. (It doesn't adjust for body mass; I do that manually in my tracking.) Still, seeing that I've burned 1500 calories (like I used to do when I was cycling 25 miles per trip) is a good feeling. I want to get back to that place. And I know I can - gradually. Patience is important; I need to stay mindful of the fact I'm in this for the long haul. This isn't a temporary change, it's a permanent change.

Thanks for reading, and may your day be blessed with gentle laughter!

Numbers Don't Tell The Whole Story

I remember back when I was cycling 25 miles 3x weekly, about two-and-a-half years ago. I was building muscle like crazy, and burning fat. I was shrinking, but the numbers on the scale didn't move much. It was frustrating.

Intellectually, I knew that muscle is heavier and denser than fat. When my clothes were fitting differently, I learned to focus on that success, and not focus overly much on the weight numbers.

The changes I'm making will, if implemented fully, lead to weight loss. But I'm going to avoid driving myself crazy by weighing myself every day. Once a week is reasonable.

What I'm focusing on now is increasing my cardiovascular capacity, and increasing my overall fitness. The eliptical is my machine of choice for cardio - burns more calories than a similarly-paced walk on a treadmill, and it's easier on my knees. Soon, I'll be adding weight circuit training as well - I know that's important in helping to build muscle, which in turn helps raise my resting metabolic rate. And I'm going to be getting my Yoga mat, blocks, books, and DVDs out as well. (Eventually, I'd like to pursue belly dancing as well, but that's not going to be for a good long while.)

So... The secret to success in life, and in fitness, is to show up and be present. Once I'm at the gym, I know I'll be doing a cardio workout, minimum. It's overcoming the inertia that's sometimes a challenge. Hmmmm... that same concept applies more broadly as well. My writing needs to be treated like a job - dedicated time needs to be carved out.

I think I'm on to something... ;)

Making Peace with Fitness

As a child, I had undiagnosed asthma. So when it came time to run laps, or other P.E. activity, there was a good chance I'd have an asthma attack. Instead of caring about whether I was okay, most P.E. teachers simply mocked me, and made me feel even worse than I already did. One memorable experience was being left collapsed on the grass inside the track, turning slightly blue and fighting to breathe - the P.E. teacher simply sold me to bring in the balls when I was done, and then walked into the building. Needless to say, I developed quite an aversion to exercise.

Fast forward a few decades. A few years back, I decided I wanted a bicycle, despite not having ridden one since middle school. I got a really nice K-2 (The Big Easy Ace), which was around $300-400 at REI. I also invested several hundred more dollars to buy a really good bike back (it swings away so you can open the trunk), as well as having a 2" receiver hitch custom made and installed on my KIA. (KIA only provides a 1-1/2" hitch; hence the reason I had to have one made custom.)

These investments were, in my mind, a powerful statement about how much I wanted to get to a higher fitness level. I started out cycling short distances, a mile or two. Then I began doing five-mile rides, then ten, fifteen, twenty, and then settled on a loop that was 25 miles plus one-tenth of a mile. This was about two-and-a-half years ago.

Then, two years ago, I moved, when I broke up with a partner I'd been with for seven years. The move was exhausting, time-consuming, and I stopped cycling altogether, with plans to resume when the rainy season abated. Yeah, and guess what... I just never got back in the habit.

The good news is that the property at which I live has a 24-hour Fitness Center. I have a keycard that gives me access anytime day or night. I'd been sporadic about using the gym, but I'm determined to once again hard-wire my fitness routine into my life, as part of my overall lifestyle.

A friend on Twitter suggested I create this blog, as a public statement of my commitment to my fitness goals. A great idea, I thought. So, the good and the bad will be documented. Not daily, necessarily, but as things change and progress. Wish me luck!

Let's Start At The Beginning

Hard to believe, but two-and-a-half years ago, I was cycling 25 miles 2x or 3x weekly. When I moved to a new city, that process took all my physical strength and time for awhile. After that? Merely excuses.

The property where I'm now living includes a 24-hour fitness center. Until recently, I hadn't been using it at all. I am making a firm commitment to go, and keep going. This is not a diet, nor is it merely a get-in-shape program. This is a holistic approach to life, and includes a commitment to an ongoing healthy lifestyle.

Since my mother's death on May 11th, I've gotten a renewed sense of perspective. Mom's death could have been avoided if she'd only taken care of herself and seen the doc when symptoms began several years ago. I vow not to suffer the same fate.

I am fortunate; I've got pretty robust DNA. Recent tests show me as overall healthy, for which I'm deeply grateful.

But the time has come to push myself and follow through on my good intentions. I'll be blogging about my progress, in the hopes perhaps someone else might find ideas or inspiration from what I write.

Oh, and today? I burned 399 calories on the Eliptical. I will be upping that over time. There may be setbacks along the way, but I will keep the big picture in mind. These are permanent lifestyle choices.

Onward, with a sense of purpose...